The time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things...Of shoes, and tops, and skinny jeans, of bubble necklaces and rings.

Okay so that's not how 'The Walrus & The Carpenter' goes but I improvised. It is no secret that I love fashion, much to Owen's dismay. When I think about what I'd buy first when I win the lottery my mind always goes to clothes. Animal rescues are a close second followed by family - It is also no secret that I think I love furry animals more than humans, but let's file that topic for another day.

Many women will deny it but it's fact that most of us dress for each other or ourselves, not for those hairy homo-sapiens with itchy crotches and receding hairlines. Men just don't 'get it' unless they're gay. Then, yea then, they get it. Off on a tangent here... why can't gay men keep their gay qualities and turn straight? Fashion advice from your husband and encouragement to expand upon your wardrobe?! AND he likes to snuggle and gossip?! Where do I sign up?!

Moving on...my husband is one of those that doesn't 'get it'. I can spend hours getting ready and he may not notice how amazing I look in my new chiffon studded blouse. However, for example - true story, he will tell me how great I look when I get home from work, take my top off...whoa whoa...just the top that is over the cami (Man Translation: Tank Top) that I'm wearing, and sprawl out on the couch in my jeans with disheveled hair. Seriously? Seriously. Maybe us girls are the ones who don't get it?

I don't let his lack of appreciation for fashion stop me ladies. NO I DO NOT. NO MA'AM. I have to stand up for my women's rights and all of that jazz. I've been told that I have a very strict style and I agree. I rarely veer from the path that I've set forth for myself in the fashion lane. I know my body and am at peace with my stubby height. I know what works and what doesn't. Here are some of my favs and tips for those of you whom are short and dumpy like myself...

• 4"in-5"in heels a must. They elongate the leg and with them you should be just above armpit level when walking and talking with normal sized humans. I've spoken directly with enough boobs and armpits in my life to know that flats are a no-go.
• Leggings are your friend, especially when paired with heeled boots. However, you are NOT a hipster. Do not wear them with flats unless you'd like to be confused with a 12 year old and/or a part of Willy Wonka's posse.
• Longer blouses/tops. They make your torso seem longer than it actually is. I'm pretty sure that there's only an inch between my hips and belly button, and belly button and chest. No one needs to know that though.
• Dresses hitting at mid thigh. Anything longer makes you look stumpy, anything shorter makes you look like a midget stripper. Mid-thigh is the way to go.
• Scarves. Take the attention away from your gobbler neck and non existent jaw line by covering it up with layers of fabric. 
• Long hair. Dye that stuff blonde and toss it around a few times. It's mesmerizing. People will love it.
• Tops with detailed or puffy shoulders. Oddly enough, they even out your body and make you look more like a normal human.
• Blazers & Jackets. Just cover it all up and people will have no choice but to ignore your body and focus on your dead sexy face.
• Carrie Underwood. Just do whatever she does. She's fabulous.

Stay Away From:

• High-Low tops. Want to cut your body in half and draw attention to your short stature? Wear one of those suckers. They do nothing for you when you're little like me.
• Boat neck tops. These are horrendous on us little ones. They'll make you look like a linebacker in an instant.
• Frumpy slouchy flat boots. Unless you're a big fan of The Hobbit.
• Sequins. No rhyme or reason, I just don't like them.
• Hats. You can't see anyone or anything but the ground and the person's rear end in line in front of you at Publix.

So there's your style guide if you're short. Live and breathe by it. You're welcome.

1. Clear Ornament - Glass or Plastic - $1-$3.00 (Michaels)
2. Charms - $1.00 each (Michaels)
3. Two wedding invitations (My Own... duh)
4. Fake flower petals (My Own from previously trying to make bouquets, not even going into that story)
5. Bow to tie on top (My Own - taken from a wedding gift it was wrapped around)

Here's how it's done:

1. I cut the first invitation into strips. That chick's directions said to do quarter inch strips but unfortunately for most brides we all don't have invites with small text or the same text throughout.
1. Forget the quarter strips, I'm just going to hack this thing up. I cut each line it's own way.
2.  Once I cut up the invite, I curled each strip around a pen, like so (pretend you can see me doing it), to make the strips curly-ish.
3. Then, easy peasy, I inserted the strips into the ornament and, according to the 'how-to' guide, I'm basically done! WOOO!
4. Viola!

1. (This should say 6 but I don't know how to fix it so deal with it) I proceeded to use my extra second invitation and cut it into strips like the first one. I thought by adding more strips I'd get more volume, and of course I was right. I should be a science teacher.
2. I still wasn't getting the pretty result that the 'how-to' poster told me I'd get. Grrrr.  I then decided to add some pieces of the fake flowers that I had.
3. I stuck my pen back in the ornament, whirled everything around a few times and BAM this is what I got...

1. (This should say a different number than 1) Now we're making some head way. It's time to close the sucker up and add the finishing touches. I put the top back on the ornament and tied a little piece of ribbon around the loop on the top. On that piece of ribbon I hung the two charms I purchased; a seashell (for our beach wedding) and a 'K' for our last name.
2. I grabbed a ribbon I had saved from a wedding gift, cut it to size, and tied it on the top.
3. Here's my finished product!

I just love it don't you? My husband said we should make one every year...I'm not sure how that will work out. I don't plan on another wedding. Maybe we should cut up his GameInformer magazine and stick strips of it in a ornament each year so he'll never forget which video games were the coolest at that time in his life. I'll think about it...

Don't you love how the title has nothing to do with anything at all? I do.